I was having dinner the other night when in walked a couple I had not seen in some time. They were celebrating their 26th anniversary. We clinked our glasses and kissed in admiration of a job well done and a long road traveled.
As I was leaving I casually said, “So what do you think is the key to your success?”
Catching them off guard was probably the best thing I could have done, though it was unintentional.
Phil said, “Moving!!” “Eight times in 26 years!”
Not the answer I might have expected– and a totally new one.
We all know that moving is one of the most stressful events in one’s life. It’s right up there with divorce, losing a job,etc. So how could this work? I thought about it and we talked a little bit more and here’s the conclusions I made.
Moving requires collaboration and problem solving. It most importantly, and here’s the beauty of the concept, results in the creation of a new nest, a new expression of what it means and feels to be “Home.”
So much of the time we talk about stability and calm. Moving for all kinds of reasons puts couples in the middle of a storm and says “How can we make this transition better, smoother? What do we need to bring along that feels familiar and what can we clean out or reinvent?”
In the early stages of partnering, the activity of creating a home is often exhilarating. It’s never about how much do we have but what do we want around us that gives us pleasure, what talents do we each have. The staging gets revised fairly often as we settle down. From there the interior landscape usually remains the same but for a touch here and there.
Moving to a new home forces couples to ground themselves and share a very formidable task. It pushes them to reconsider what their relationship really means. Many couples find the challenge so uncontainable that they question whether they will still be together when it’s done. As they go thru all they’ve collected over time, memories , good and bad, are revisited. The relationship gets reworked from a distant perspective. You get to see things in hindsight rather than in the middle of the mess.
I called this post “What Makes A GOOD Marriage Last,” so I want to make note of the GOOD part. A Marriage where people do not have a solid foundation and a grasp of communication, could not survive these many interruptions. It is a testimonial to their abilities to trust the other and to have a level of self esteem that supports this kind of turmoil.
I don’t know if it’s “chicken or egg” but the necessary foundation can be built over time if couples presumed that things will work rather than fail. Most of us say “No,” before we say “Yes.” When a problem arises instead of saying “what am I going to do, the sky is falling,” try saying “okay, how can I solve this problem.” The small shift in attitude lessens the anxiety level immediately.
Apparently this couple has learned to come together in times of decision and times of stress, to rework their master plan. Because they can modify and resist retreating to what’s known, they will flourish.
The take-away is move with it, let it take you to a new place, enjoy the intimacy for all that you go through along the way.
Don’t be afraid to shake it up. Marriages need room to wriggle and tackle new challenges, It seems, according to this couple, that the looking back and reminiscing about what they had shared with eachother made them smile. They learned about their abilities to be flexible, persuasive, cooperative, even how to deal with their differences.
Think about it. Maybe the west coast would be a nice change from the cold northeast winters.
