Hooray for Fewer Orgasms


I try to find moments to talk to couples about NON-orgasmic sex. For all sorts of reasons, we seem to focus on and obsess about orgasms. Men want to know if they gave you one and will get depressed and bothered if they don’t, or can’t. Women want to give men one– often to just get some space. They have almost a sixteh sense about how longs its been and how long they can get away without doing it.

I know it sounds cynical but welcome to the world of Long Term Relationships, babies, and careers. I’m speaking about heterosexual couples for this report from the front lines.
I don’t know if this is a universal issue but in the US where we are competitive and quick quick, there is no such thing as sexual, intimate contact without going all the way. I wish this would change. Non orgasmic play does not have to mean failure.

The greatest problem is that women who are convinced if they give a finger, their partners will want an arm, end up —- with nothing. The kissing goes, the touching goes, even the nuzzling goes bye bye. And the damage to a relationship with zero physical connection gets brittle and edgy pretty quickly. Most men don’t even know its possible to have sex without consummating – getting off. When I bring up the possibility they act as though they’ve never considered such a thing. They think it’s not “manly.” Why would anyone want to just touch? What’s the point?

Look, once this cycle begins it just roars ahead like a steam engine. And once it’s established, even if one or the other wishes to get closer, they no longer know how. By the time they get in my office, whether they’ve had sex or have not had sex, ,they are told NOT to have sex. First things first. How about looking at each other, how about taking a shower together – with no genital touching.

The more passive partner, often the woman, needs to be free to physically connect without worry about what she has to do next. It’s amazing how a couple of weeks without the intention of sex can build up an interest in sex. And of course there are those couples who won’t listen to me, but they won’t improve over time. This is a lesson to be learned. I wonder if women typically don’t initiate because they are too tired, not sufficiently yet aroused, and would like the option of just simple making out, fooling around. We’re not talking about a job here, I just mean playing. Its not just for kids.

Its also now clear that women don’t get sexually aroused unless they re willing to consider the possibility. That means that being “spontaneously horny” doesn’t work for a lot of girls. But, if the relationship is sound, a willingness to consider is the key. The research concludes that there is a PRE arousal phase for women. My guess is that women who don’t need a lot of warm- up are willing from the start. They figure if they need to say NO, their partner will be okay with it. That being the setting, orgasm sex may be in the works.
It’s a twisty road to manage.

To my original premise, orgasm is nice but doesn’t have to happen, surely doesn’t happen all the time, and shouldn’t take the place of intimate touching. Cuddling up, waiting to see what happens with the right mood, is more of a satisfying plan.

Orgasm is not the main event, in my opinion. If you want more of them, think about having less of them.

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SEX Statistics Could Do More For Your Sex Life Than ‘Female Viagra’


Other people’s sex lives can ruin yours: If you think you’re having less sex than your peers, it can take a toll on your relationship and your overall happiness. That’s one problem some experts see with flibanserin, a drug to treat low libido in women that was approved by the FDA on Tuesday. When does a “low” libido become a problem that requires medication? We don’t know.

According to the Mayo Clinic, any level of libido that falls short of a patient’s expectation could be considered “low.” Flibanserin — wrongly nicknamed “female Viagra” — raises desire modestly, but it might do less for sexual satisfaction than just having an accurate idea of what other people are doing.1

Inaccurate perceptions about what counts as normal sexuality are widespread. In sociologist Michael Kimmel’s book “Guyland: The Perilous World in Which Boys Become Men,” he found that male college students assumed about 80 percent of their classmates had sex on any given weekend. The real number was closer to 5 percent to 10 percent. Kathleen Bogle, the author of “Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus,” also found in her interviews that students consistently overestimated the amount of sex that others were having.

The result is a reverse Lake Wobegon effect: Everyone is below “normal.” Rachel Hills, author of “The Sex Myth: The Gap Between Our Fantasies and Reality,” told me that the women she interviewed “have internalized that sex should happen two to three times a week.” In reality, according to the 2010 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, less than half of men and women 18 to 49 in partnered relationships report having sex at least that often.

When people grade their sex lives relative to their peers, it takes a toll on their overall happiness, not just satisfaction with their sex lives. Tim Wadsworth, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Colorado Boulder, found that falling behind other people’s sex lives can lower overall happiness. For every level of sexual activity (two to three times a week, once a week, two to three times a month, etc.) that people were behind the actual average for their peers, they were 14 percent more likely to describe themselves as “not too happy” rather than either “pretty happy” or “very happy.”2

Emily Nagoski, author of “Come as You Are,” says that we’re not only making ourselves miserable by judging our sex lives by the activities of others, but we’re also keeping score using the wrong metrics, period. She told me, “I don’t know how we got to the point where we put more of the emphasis on craving, not enjoyment.” Women are more likely to experience responsive desire (sexual desire that kicks in during sexual activity, rather than preceding it), so treating spontaneous desire, not pleasure, as the barometer for sexual well-being will leave these women feeling insufficient.

These mismatches — between expectations and reality and between what leads to happiness and what people think leads to happiness — have real consequences. Sex advice columnist Dan Savage told me that he sees a lot of what he describes as “the carnage” of mismatched or misunderstood libidos. He worries that medicalizing the issue could increase the pressure on a woman who is anxious about living up to a partner’s or society’s expectations.

“Often the person with a cratered desire feels broken, is treated like they’re the problem, and along comes this pill that won’t do what the commercials lead you to believe it does,” Savage said. “And this pill will be another thing the person with low libido gets to fail.”

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I Believe in Serial Monogamy
Mon, 06/15/2015 – 06:47
Submitted by Princess
Ask Betty monogamy Relationships & Polyamory

It’s fine to trash monogamy. Lately, so much opinion has been spread across the Internet, the TED talks, the magazines, about the irrationality of it. In theory, yes, it doesn’t make sense — if you’re a hedonist, it is an exercise in futility. If you’re someone who believes that pleasure is the purpose of life, then don’t consider monogamy, at least not right away.

For those who have marriages, children, full lives, there is more to this than meets the crotch.

The one thing that couples in long term relationships do NOT work on is their sex lives. Too much else is going on. For me, that is a huge mistake. Everything old gets older and everything new gets old too.

I believe in serial monogamy. I think “forever contracts” usually get brittle and fail. It’s so difficult. I think that all relationships are created perfectly for whatever issues need to be worked on – at that time. Sometimes the work, the injuries of childhood, are repaired and moving on to another relationship is, to me, a defensible option.

But there is still something so basic about respecting the choice you’ve made and growing with it if at all possible. There are the emotions, huge mountains of them, at risk. There are kids who don’t need to be caught up in a home full of chaos and tears and weekend luggage.

There are many more ways to handle sexual naiveté, and boredom, than running away. Pleasure ultimately resides in a moment of abandon, or in the glory of satisfying and pleasing someone other than yourself. There is surely power in that choice.

I am not against pleasure and I am not biblically attached to marriage. I am fervently against, hedonism, narcissism and utter disregard to the integrity of the soul.

I think there is way more to being faithful than gritting one’s teeth. Isn’t there more to a relationship than hormones, and hot risky moments? It would be lovely if we could all be open and honest, as is often suggested, and then sow some oats with a free conscience. It doesn’t happen in the real world. Even open marriages have drastically failed in the mainstream. For those few, who can rally the ability to be undismayed and unthreatened by a partner’s escapades, great. It’s not at all a simple matter. What typically happens is more lying and hiding and sneaking than fucking.

It’s a shame, I guess, that we typically marry before we have slept around. And if that’s been true, as they say, grow up! Heal your marriage or take a walk – after you’ve agreed to appropriate child support and the distribution of your precious property. Take charge, be an adult for god’s sake.

For the record, I am not a prude. I practice sex therapy; I have been married three times. I love Love. I love sex. I hate liars and hypocrites. This is not the age of Bacchus and Dionysus. People get hurt and some don’t recover. And this, all to experience a new position?? Come on.

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