I try to find moments to talk to couples about NON-orgasmic sex. For all sorts of reasons, we seem to focus on and obsess about orgasms. Men want to know if they gave you one and will get depressed and bothered if they don’t, or can’t. Women want to give men one– often to just get some space. They have almost a sixteh sense about how longs its been and how long they can get away without doing it.
I know it sounds cynical but welcome to the world of Long Term Relationships, babies, and careers. I’m speaking about heterosexual couples for this report from the front lines.
I don’t know if this is a universal issue but in the US where we are competitive and quick quick, there is no such thing as sexual, intimate contact without going all the way. I wish this would change. Non orgasmic play does not have to mean failure.
The greatest problem is that women who are convinced if they give a finger, their partners will want an arm, end up —- with nothing. The kissing goes, the touching goes, even the nuzzling goes bye bye. And the damage to a relationship with zero physical connection gets brittle and edgy pretty quickly. Most men don’t even know its possible to have sex without consummating – getting off. When I bring up the possibility they act as though they’ve never considered such a thing. They think it’s not “manly.” Why would anyone want to just touch? What’s the point?
Look, once this cycle begins it just roars ahead like a steam engine. And once it’s established, even if one or the other wishes to get closer, they no longer know how. By the time they get in my office, whether they’ve had sex or have not had sex, ,they are told NOT to have sex. First things first. How about looking at each other, how about taking a shower together – with no genital touching.
The more passive partner, often the woman, needs to be free to physically connect without worry about what she has to do next. It’s amazing how a couple of weeks without the intention of sex can build up an interest in sex. And of course there are those couples who won’t listen to me, but they won’t improve over time. This is a lesson to be learned. I wonder if women typically don’t initiate because they are too tired, not sufficiently yet aroused, and would like the option of just simple making out, fooling around. We’re not talking about a job here, I just mean playing. Its not just for kids.
Its also now clear that women don’t get sexually aroused unless they re willing to consider the possibility. That means that being “spontaneously horny” doesn’t work for a lot of girls. But, if the relationship is sound, a willingness to consider is the key. The research concludes that there is a PRE arousal phase for women. My guess is that women who don’t need a lot of warm- up are willing from the start. They figure if they need to say NO, their partner will be okay with it. That being the setting, orgasm sex may be in the works.
It’s a twisty road to manage.
To my original premise, orgasm is nice but doesn’t have to happen, surely doesn’t happen all the time, and shouldn’t take the place of intimate touching. Cuddling up, waiting to see what happens with the right mood, is more of a satisfying plan.
Orgasm is not the main event, in my opinion. If you want more of them, think about having less of them.
