It’s not unusual to go from great pride in being your spouse’s “only” to wondering what’s out there and/or “I’m not sure I’m in love anymore.” It’s also not typically something one says to your first lover because its sooooo scarey. Once you’ve said it, then what?

I think it’s normal to feel these things and I frankly don’t believe there’s a relationship with such early beginnings that hasn’t been in this spot.  How could anyone, once they’ve had a taste of sex and dipped their toes in the matrimonial waters, not wonder what someone else would be like.  How about wondering what they themselves would be like with a different partner.

Perhaps one of the more difficult sides of this issue is that any sex, when done multiple times, in the very same way, becomes boring and — predictable. Variety and experimentation, different positions, role playing, etc. keeps lovemaking alive. Additionally, each partner should be well versed in what turns them on and what’s even harder sometimes,  communicate it.

So, if you’ve only been with one person, you can imagine how daunting this can be. Men, even, inexperienced men, tend to be better educated by watching or looking at porn.  Over their lifetimes they have, yes they have, learned about their bodies thru masturbation and fantasy. Women, not so much. Many women are shocked to read that men do masturbate and usually with great frequency. They may even be shocked that women do and that they – should consider it too.

Let me say, to the women, this does not mean you’re not loved and wanted.  You are not disposable.  However, sometimes you’re not available and sometimes it’s nice to just give yourself some pleasure without worrying about being a reciprocal and attentive partner.

Women, in fact, would do better if they followed the same sentiment.  But, women are not so interested in orgasm, and seem by all accounts, not to need sexual release to relax, de-stress, or even feel intense pleasure.

While that’s all fine, touching your own body does teach you what you like and can enhance  communication with your “only” partner.

I don’t think this is just a sexual matter either.  Being in close proximity with another for a long time, years, surely creates some boredom.  In these kinds of couples, the match is  made very early on, before there’s any real experience, education or time to explore  In fact, the relationship can take on a “sacred”  quality, prohibiting any conscious questioning about others –its as if thinking in itself is betrayal.

Of course, extended families become part of this drama too. Its as though the couple goes from high school or earlier to family attachments and in-laws before the vows are even made. These couples often stay childlike and forget to remind family — and themselves– that they have grown up.

It’s tricky.

I think this is the key point.  For “only ” couples, remnd eachother that you are not the same age you were when you first got together.  You’re not kids anymore. You have the right to be a mature, curious, adventurous person.  Even though you may have made a commitment to be monogamous, doesn’t mean you’ve also pledged to  lose your imagination.  If your partner is someone you’ve known so long and trust so much, trust enough to say “I’m getting bored with our lovemaking. Not with you, but with our sex life.”

Another aspect of this dilemma, is that we do not let eachother grow up in other ways either. We need to continue to support verbally and emotionally the struggles each one has taken on.  Continuing to plant the seeds of renewal and to nourish this other being who is so special goes a long way.

Being an adult in a marriage where you started as children is a huge project. It can be done — but not without focus and determination. And don’t forget to remind the parents that you have absolutely left their nest.

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