Written by Betty Dodson, PHD
@dodson and

Lately I’ve been getting men requesting sex coaching sessions similar to the work I do with women. While I believe this kind of sex training would make a big difference for them and their partners, private hands-on sessions with a man is called “prostitution” by our government.

Unfortunately, this remains illegal although it’s a victimless crime. Even a woman doing erotic massage is flirting with John Law. You can thank our puritanical government filled with lying, phony Christians, Mormons and Jews who consistently get caught “cheating” but end up redeemed after a round of public humiliation followed by their promise to seek professional help. What a charade.

The closest thing we have to legitimate hands-on sex teaching for men is using surrogate partners who work under the auspices of a licensed sex therapist. However that involves two fees which can become a costly burden for many men. I don’t even know a therapist on the East Coast offering surrogacy therapy or training. Surrogate partner therapy seems to be more available on the West Coast. You can Google Sexual Surrogate Therapy for more information. Until America grows up and gets beyond this religious morality, men seeking sexual guidance with this kind of practical hands on therapy are SOL.

It amazes me to remember how I once believed the sexual double standard favored men. I now realize that most men have little to no idea how to sexually please a woman. And we don’t help matters by continuing to fake orgasms to protect the male ego. The result is far too many women have never had an honest orgasm as too many are raised to believe they will be sexually awakened by Mr. Right. The result of this myth is for every pre-orgasmic woman there’s a premature ejaculating man. Still America continues to have no adequate sexuality education available that would include pleasure and orgasms. Meanwhile men judge themselves on their sexual skills or ability to “make a woman come” and “get the job done” with no information other than viewing porn. The main reason porn doesn’t work as a form of sex education is because it’s entertainment for men where women are paid to perform in ways that please men.

The result of our sexual double standard where men are allowed freedom and sexual mobility leaves women struggling to uncover their first orgasm. Boys are expected to explore their sex organ by masturbating as children but many girls never masturbate and once they become adults, they cannot orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. Or later on she finally explores her body and learns how to have orgasm privately during her adult masturbation. This is why so many women end up faking orgasm; first to protect the male ego and especially if she is dependent upon his financial support.

Of all the sexual preferences and gender variations available, it seems heterosexuality is mostly about couples committing to procreate and raise a family rather than to relish the joys of sharing mutually pleasurable sexual activities that ends with orgasms for both partners. Although I have yet to discuss this in any detail, the next phase of understanding end pleasures of orgasm is that male and female ejaculation (squirting) are NOT the same as having orgasm. While both can provide pleasurable sensations, neither one can fully engage the body/mind. A perfect example of a sexual non event is when a man ejaculates before he has built up any sexual tension. Even Kinsey put the time spent thrusting with an erect penis inside a vagina at no more than two minutes after initial penetration. That is not sufficient time for a woman to have an orgasm even if she were about to climax from another form of clitoral stimulation with oral or manual sex. As for men, ejaculation feels good, but how can we classify it as an orgasm when its just a minor blip not much different than a sneeze. If we stop to think about the horrors and disappointments of first time partnersex, it’s a wonder any boy or girl would ever want to repeat it again. Since sexual intercourse is about procreation first and foremost, Mother Nature created an inbuilt male sex drive to insure that animals and humans will continue to copulate and insure future generations..

From a pro-creative point of view, ejaculation with an orgasm followed by a sensation of resolution is not all that necessary. A man only needs to get an erection firm enough to penetrate and ejaculate inside a vagina to fulfill his male role. A woman only needs to carry her baby full term and give birth to fulfill her female role. Neither one must have an orgasm at any stage. That’s why so many male dominated societies think ejaculation is the same as having an orgasm. But many sophisticated women who squirt when their urethral sponge is being stimulated have clearly stated that it is NOT the same sensation as having an orgasm. Nearly all female orgasms require some form of direct or indirect clitoral stimulation during vaginal penetration or with manual or oral stimulation.

Let’s face it. Sexual activity that ends in orgasm for one or both partners is a luxury not a necessity. However, I continue to believe that mutually orgasmic sex has the potential for reducing violence the world over. Since the late 60’s American sexual revolution, it’s my belief that ending the war between the sexes within the nuclear and extended family will begin to eliminate the breading ground for violence. In reading Sex at Dawn, the authors pointed out that some animals copulate for the shear joy of doing it like Bonobo Chimps. These small apes have sex with every member of the group with no limitations. Having an abundance of sex and pleasure allows them to be peaceful as they share everything which eliminates most conflict.

The one sexual activity both men and women have in common is the humble act of self-stimulation. It seems obvious to me that masturbation is indeed the foundation for sexual activity. Instead of honoring it, we turn masturbation into a dirty joke and few will admit to doing it or enjoying it or acknowledging it as the one sexual experience we all access. At least both women and men are assured of having the glorious end pleasures of orgasm.

Masturbation is our first natural sexual activity. It’s how we learn to like our genitals and to enjoy the pleasure they can provide. The time has come for women to once again teach sex to men. This was once a sacred act when people worshipped a female deity, the Great Orgasmic Mother of us all.

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