There needs to be a distinction made between a partner who has had an affair and a partner who is sexually without boundaries and indiscriminately active.
What is similar is that both are experienced as betrayals by an unknowing partner but they are not the same in terms of definition. An affair is something that has a beginning, middle and an end. It can be totally lustful or totally emotion driven. It is a significant irritant, a crisis in monogamous relationships and is often resolved in couple therapy or just with time. In my opinion, affairs do not happen in a vacuum. They are part of the whole relationship and need to be addressed by both partners. I don’t want to suggest that the choice is not relevant, only that the choice was made because of mishandled conflict. There is really no blame here at the end of the day. One person is the “designated hitter,” and the other in subtle ways gets the player up to bat.
But what I want to distinguish in this post is the major difference about compulsive acting out. Men, who randomly connect with women on porn sites, sex sites, massage parlors, escort services, lap dances, craigs list, Ashley Madison, and more I don’t remember, but you get the idea, are running from intimacy. Further, they are running from themselves and what they will admit when they are finally outed, is how miserable they are and how ashamed.
Compulsive sexual acting out, often called Sex Addiction in the media, is not fun. It is practiced in a serial pattern, similar to alcohol and drugs. The user, for instance, may feel anxious, depressed and to quiet his pain connects to a substance that raises the dopamine centers in the brain. These are the pleasure receptors. Sex becomes a substance, in this illustration, and the brain actually gets a “hit” when the deed is done. Once completed, typically the user may feel initially relaxed until the shame kicks in. From there the anxiety/depression begin to climb again until the only known solution is another appointment with the devil.
I do not believe that compulsive behaviors can be treated with generic marital therapy or individual therapy. Men who are in this category need a combination of SA (Sexaholics Anonymous), individual therapy then couples therapy, and possible medication. This is not a simple matter. One just doesn’t decide to stop one day. If the behavior has been continuing for some time, which is what happens by the time they get to me (or are brought to me) it’s surely not an easy fix. Often the behaviors will become suspended in time, stop overnight, only to resurface. Sometimes they are replaced with overeating, drinking, or other compulsive behaviors. The acting out subsides but the forces that drive it remain.
Medication is sometimes helpful for the man who has an extreme anxiety disorder and the biochemical imbalance that pretty much keeps him running. When the problem is so severe that bank accounts, jobs and criminal acts are also present, medicine is a necessity. There are good uses of pharmaco drugs, in certain cases.
I feel like I have to walk on eggs here lest someone accuse me of participating in the sexaphobic culture. I am not that person and at the same time there are problems that require extreme intervention. Please take note that I am not talking about having a lot of sex! I am talking about out of control, maniacal, irresponsible sex, someone’s gonna get hurt sex.
Women with these same kinds of over/drives usually fall under “love addicts.” These are the ladies who continuously, and randomly fall in and out of love and cling to men like caterpillars. Sexual acting out does not attract women the same way that relationships do. This fits well with gender research. Interesting, I think.
I’ve written about this before and I’m hoping as time has gone by that folks understand the difference between hot sex, a lot of sex and sex that is compulsive and damaging. And by the way, Masturbators can also be compulsive. The guy who sits in front of the computer for hours or rubs himself raw, is not having a good time.
He is dependent. He is a prisoner to his compulsivity (okay then, addiction).
