Men Who Say,”Not Tonight, Dear”

There I’ve said it.  Did you know that there are many men who under duress, like a therapy session, will admit they are not interested in sex. They are not only disinterested in their long term partners but generally not interested,  much. They don’t fantasize so much, they don’t masturbate so much, they don’t salivate in the streets so much.

Its tough for a man to be honest about the level of his appetite. Surely the rest of his world might find him unacceptable, weird, or maybe even “gay.” To the contrary, women will hang out and talk about their marriages and bond about how rarely they feel in the mood.

So the truth is — out.  Men, just like women, as they mature, or as their hormonal cycles turn, experience changes in their interest, performance and appetite. And in this way they are not disimilar from women.  Male Sexuality ebbs and flows too. I wish there were more research on this.

Helen Singer Kaplan MD, my guru, one of the founders of Sex Therapy, always felt that men wouldn’t easily fess up to being uninterested and would prefer to find a way to blame lack of frequency on their spouses.  But sooner or later the truth was clear. She felt this was a gift to the future of marriages. Men would be slower to arouse and orgasm, and would be come the “slower hands” that women always asked for. Yay, Pointer Sisters.

What she promised was that as couples age together, women would become more comfortable with their bodies and their desires, less embarrassed. Men would become better lovers and appreciate more their competence to please their women than  their physical prowess.

So, when men are not interested in a  moderate, balanced fashion–nothing’s necessarily wrong. That’s the way it should be. If they need pharma’s help to bolster an erection, that’s fine too. But if they are content in their 40′s and like to cuddle, read the paper, eat a bagel instead of having crazy sex. — not to worry. They’re just hitting their prime. They’re learning not to be competitive with an ideal of performance that is undocumented. They’re willing to be more sensitive and attentive to their partners.  Oh, and they don’t have to make babies anymore.

So, girls, are you ready for the best sex ever? Think about it. Discuss.

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